Unique

Today, I write this in a mood very much different from those entries which I have done before. Whoever who has read all my blogs might think that I am mad. Maybe I am... Not everybody is sane. For people, it is not the inside of a man which counts his sanity, it is his appearance, rather his behaviour. Nobody tries to see the inside of a so called "Insane" man.

But some do. As one of my closest friends said, "I saw your brain in those blog entries!". Yes it may be, because, all I had were complaints.

Today I feel that the decisions which I had made were wrong, the decisions of my career. I was a student who loved what he studied, who saw the practical side of what he studied. But now... where am I? In a forest? or a hell?? I feel that all what I do today is not what I wanted. I am not doing what I had supposed to.

Frustration is carving its ugliest face on me... Loneliness is painting black and grey on that. Can't stop it happening.

I can't accept my loneliness... Whenever I see myself in this situation, I take a decision to get out of this well. But when the work starts, the decision falls into the deepest pit in the well... Well, seems I am trapped.

But it is for sure that I will come out of this... And I should. Because... I am not a software Engineer.
I am a "MECHANICAL ENGINEER"!!!!

Here I am going to discuss about a change made in a person's way of thinking or behavior and not the external appearance as misunderstood by many people that external change is a complete change of the person.

It's amazing to see a change in a person. They say "Anything different is good". Maybe true, but not all the time. It is important whether the change nurtures a person or destroys him and whether the change is acceptable by others or not. Whatever it is, a change is a change whether it is induced or natural.
Natural change is always involuntary and the effect can be little felt by the people who are around the person subjected. It occurs usually due to natural changes in the lifestyle, change of environment, passing of time, etc. But a person who meets this person after a long period of time will definitely feel the change. But it is unpredictable whether the second person feels good or bad as it of course depends upon person to person.

But in the case of an induced change, the chaos occurring is mostly unacceptable. There are a lot of hardships involved in an induced change. Induced change is a voluntary forceful* change made by the person to correct some part of his behavior or to incorporate some virtue or vice or some useless point as per the influence of others by criticism or by advice. This is where the greatest weakness of mankind comes into action. The person who undergoes a forceful change is greatly affected by external factors such as being influenced by others. It may be good for the person if the change is a good change. But if it is a bad change, the subjected person is actually becoming a fool out of himself by getting influenced by others. Depending on other people is unavoidable for man whoever it is as man is a social being. But the level of thought process the person has undergone before the change is critical in most cases as a lot of energy is wasted on the thought process by the man for nothing or for something worse rather than something better.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

But the point here is not the analysis made above; it is something which I have personally felt with my dear ones and myself, some changes which were induced, not by me... by themselves. But at some point of time I feel I am a part of that change. Whenever I feel that, it gives me acute pain to my heart.
They were my true friends. I cared for them, and they cared for me. I took it as my duty to pave them right way whenever I felt that they were moving towards the wrong direction. I was right. But paving them way was not an easy task. I could only tell them the right direction. It was not possible for me every time to go with them and show them the right way as it was their life and it was them who had to make decisions. But many a times, they misunderstood the direction which I told them. When I would criticize them again, they would ask me why am I, the person who made them move in a different direction criticizing them for that change of direction? I could not convince them that they are in the wrong direction. They would say or think that I was advising them just for selfish reasons. How could I tell them what was going in me in those times? I knew I was not wrong, they thought I was wrong... times of distress... fear of loosing those dear ones due to this misunderstanding... those sleepless nights... All of them had undergone induced changes. Even I was in the process of an induced change... which I came to know much later.

Then one fine morning, I decided to do that, the thing which I felt I couldn't do in my life. I did it. I killed her... I cut her into pieces... I don't know whether she screamed or not. But the only thing which made me contented was the feeling that I was killing her. She was dead. But I became mad. Each and every night, I used to go back and kill her once again, cut her uncut parts into two or three. She died many a times. Nothing could stop me from doing that because she was my creation, and she was growing wild; there was nothing else I could do. I cut each and every piece of her day by day so that it can't be divided further. Was that an illusion? Whatever it was, she was dead for me. The angel who turned out to be a witch died... died forever in my dreams... died forever in my life...

I think this made me think that whatever I had sacrificed (or thought that sacrificed) for this witch were utter wastes. I lost them all by the induced changes in them for which directly or indirectly I was a reason. I realized that what I thought I was right were not always. But the death of the witch made me realize that killing her was the only good thing for me which I have done for myself.
Now I am struggling to get back what I lost due to this cruel witch. I am sure that I will get back those because the cruel witch is no more. She is now in hell eating fire. I don't care what comes after that, what I care is my old friends... and the ways to secure them as my good friends.
The change in me will remain a change in me unless for my friends or my family. But the cruel witch can never come alive again.

BEWARE OF THE CHANGES!!!

*in some cases it may be involuntary as depending on the mental conditions.

Today, I saw an accident scene...

People were crowding around; a big tanker lorry had kicked off a poor cyclist and trod over his head. I hope he didn't know when his head was being crushed.

I stopped my bike to have a look, even though it was the beginning of a fine day and this is not supposed to be my first sight on the way to the office.

What I saw may be heart-breaking for some. But I don't know why I didn't feel anything. The dead-body was covered with a coloured cloth on contrary to the usual white drapery. Two policemen were standing by. The cycle was lying down as if it was expecting its master to come. Blood stains were all on the road. Then I noticed something... It was bright red in colour. "A big piece of flesh", I guessed. There were many bits and pieces of such kind all around. But what could that big red piece actually be? Then I heard someone from the crowd say, "It is the brain of that man!" O! These people represented a part of our community craving to see blood and the vulgarity of internal organs of human body in its worst form. Now, I had also become a part of it by seeing it.

Then I imagined how the accident might have taken place. The truck driver might have been over speeding. He might have hit the cycle and the man might have been thrown out, under the huge tires of the truck which supports tones of weight. It might have crushed his head, and due to the pressure, the brain might have shot out like water from a water filled balloon when it is squeezed to burst... What an imagination on a fine Valentine's Day morning (or not so fine!)!

But then, I started remembering something. Rather I started comparing that brain which I saw in my dream. This brain was not that hideous as the one I saw in my dream. For a moment, I wished that the man covered under the coloured kolhapuri cloth be my enemy! What a fanatic wish! But I couldn't help it as those horrible nights were still fresh in my memories. Then I thought, I should leave... as the whole day was left for me for other things.

I started my bike and left to the office. I saw a tanker truck on my way whose windshield was broken, tires were punctured. I guessed that this truck may be that demon which will make a family mourn.

Red dressed people at the office made me remember that scene again and again. But the day has to continue, life has to go on.

Now I am in front of my PC, not doing what I am supposed to do. But doing this which I couldn't help.

I should start working...

Remembering my class mates, after few months,
My eyes were filled with tears,
Everyone now is busy a lot,
No one escaped destiny's plot

So the girl, whom once I thought as my best friend,
Oops; Today she is somebody else's girlfriend,

Project reviews to campus interview,
Nicknames to last bench games,
Cultural rehearsals to love proposals,
Short term crushes to classroom blushes.

Everything is fresh in our mind,
Wish life could just rewind,
Lets play, laugh and rejoice,
Once again become college guys.

Chatting and laughing. We all were in elation,
Till the pain full moment of separation,
When it was time to part,
We returned with a heavy heart.

Today life is full of commitments,
And too many worries,
But those cherished moments,
Will live forever in our memories

They say I am mad. Am I? Even I wonder...

They say it is feminine to cry. Is it? Even I wonder...

But it's not. I realize that it is just human to cry. The extreme pressure that was inside me... the extreme energy that was inside me... which would have otherwise made me mad came out as tears. So am I mad? Of course not!

But they say that every mad person denies his madness. So am I mad? You may wonder... But did you think of the extreme urge that made me sad, which made me cry, which made my masculinity flow away (as they said), which made me mad?

But I am happy in this world of mine. But still, they say insane people become insane by moving into a virtual world which they feel comfortable and happy thinking that their sorrows have ended. Is that why they say I am mad? Even I wonder!

But my mind is serene now. Why... can't this serenity of my mind prove my sanity to them?
Am I mad? I'm sure I'm not... But you may wonder...!!!